Your child lives to make you look like an asshole.

I dont know if its  just my baby, but I doubt it.

My kid loves to make me look like an asshole mom. He accomplishes this one of two ways.

First, he does the “bait and switch”. This is when hes either had a streak of three or four days that are really good. He naps around the same time, he doesnt throw a fit, or blow his diaper out the back of his pants, or act like he has absolutely no baby manners. He nurses an acceptable amount of times, predictably. And EVERY TIME I fall for it. I think, well this is great! We are finally in a “routine”. And I get really smug, and let my friends know that its absolutely no problem to leave the house and attend any sort of activity because my baby is ON A SCHEDULE.

And then, without fail, as soon as we get to wherever were going he will have an Olympic sized meltdown. He will scream, he will grab at my boobs, and he will call me names in his native baby language. He will act so horribly that we will be forced to leave where we are, no matter if weve eaten, shopped, or gotten our coffee.

And then I look like an asshole.

Second, he does the “just kidding”. This happens when I warn everyone around me how terrible my child is. I apologize profusely for his utter lack of compassion for all walks of life. I will explain that we are going on Maury in a few weeks to do a DNA test and figure out if John is actually Allens, or if some demon impregnated me when I wasnt looking. I will decline all of their invitations to anywhere until I cant possibly say no any further and still remain friends. I will walk into the store, or their home, with loud proclamations about how I PROMISE to remove my little troll doll from the premises the second he starts to misbehave. I will make sure everyone within a 6 mile radius knows how deeply sorry I am for what is about to happen.

And then John will act like an ANGEL baby.

And then I will look like a fucking asshole.