Your child lives to make you look like an asshole.

I dont know if its  just my baby, but I doubt it.

My kid loves to make me look like an asshole mom. He accomplishes this one of two ways.

First, he does the “bait and switch”. This is when hes either had a streak of three or four days that are really good. He naps around the same time, he doesnt throw a fit, or blow his diaper out the back of his pants, or act like he has absolutely no baby manners. He nurses an acceptable amount of times, predictably. And EVERY TIME I fall for it. I think, well this is great! We are finally in a “routine”. And I get really smug, and let my friends know that its absolutely no problem to leave the house and attend any sort of activity because my baby is ON A SCHEDULE.

And then, without fail, as soon as we get to wherever were going he will have an Olympic sized meltdown. He will scream, he will grab at my boobs, and he will call me names in his native baby language. He will act so horribly that we will be forced to leave where we are, no matter if weve eaten, shopped, or gotten our coffee.

And then I look like an asshole.

Second, he does the “just kidding”. This happens when I warn everyone around me how terrible my child is. I apologize profusely for his utter lack of compassion for all walks of life. I will explain that we are going on Maury in a few weeks to do a DNA test and figure out if John is actually Allens, or if some demon impregnated me when I wasnt looking. I will decline all of their invitations to anywhere until I cant possibly say no any further and still remain friends. I will walk into the store, or their home, with loud proclamations about how I PROMISE to remove my little troll doll from the premises the second he starts to misbehave. I will make sure everyone within a 6 mile radius knows how deeply sorry I am for what is about to happen.

And then John will act like an ANGEL baby.

And then I will look like a fucking asshole.

Ive decided this deserved its own blog ...

The question is, will I use it? Time will tell.

Today we had a playdate to go in our splash pool off the back porch. With the recent addition of our privacy fence, Ive been allowing far more naked time outside than is possibly safe or necessary. However, you only have so many years to go “freeballin” and Id like the kid to be able to take advantage of that.

Anyhow, our playdate friend couldnt make it. She bakes delicious cakes (check her out if youre in the Fort Stewart Area @ Sugar Bunny Cupcakes on Facebook!) and had a last minute order to fill. So I let John take an extra long nap, then fed him lunch, and we went outside for a little splash time.

I should add that my child is obsessed with his “winkie”. I have no idea when he found it, or what he thinks it is, but I do know hes got his hands on it more than Charlie Sheen has his hands on cocaine. Every time I turn around hes got his diaper off and is pulling at his nether regions. He started doing it in the pool today and I didnt think much of it. After all, next to his stuffed Brobee it IS his second favorite toy.

Today, however, I suppose he decided hed like to see what this thing looked like. He squatted down (in the “poop position”) and kept trying to put his head down between his legs. He was confounded when he kept choking .... on the water .... that he was putting his face in.

Because I have faith in my gene pool, I figured hed get the hint and knock it off after a few times. Maybe hed make the connection that the winkie was guarded by some sort of Jesus Fortress of Water. Unfortunately, my children are not nearly as bright as they are stubborn. So we called it a day and retire inside where he proceeded to poop on the floor in the FIVE minutes he was naked.

But thats a blog for another day.